Parenting 101                                      Carl A. Moss MS LMHC Psychotherapist.
                                                                         



• Three Styles of Parenting
• How can we Change our Children
• Consequence not Punishment
• Boundary Setting
• A misbehaving child is still a worthwhile child
• Act “As If”
• Dinner Time
• Helpful Hints
• Job List
• Consequences/Rules
• Gentle Reminders List




Three Styles of Parenting

• Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents exert strict control with rigid rules and regulations. What their children want is rarely considered. The children obey out of fear of punishment and with resentment. This style is not conducive to respect and the children usually respond with doing just enough to get away with, they will make up stories, apply blame and tell lies.

• Permissive
Permissive parents basically allow their children to do whatever they want. Some feel guilty to see their children unhappy. Others want their children to have all the advantages they themselves never had. These parents often feel out of control and defeated. They will over emote with the children out of frustration. The children often develop an “entitled” attitude with a lack of gratitude.

(Note: I have often seen a mixed parenting style of one parent being authoritarian and the other permissive. This induces over compensation behavior by the parents and confused game playing by the children).

• Mutual Respect
This, I believe is the key to effective parenting. For children to learn respect and responsibility, they must be treated with respect and given responsibility for appropriate aspects of their lives. Children’s feelings, opinions needs and desires have to be heard. This does not imply equal decision-making power. But often simply listening to a child’s feelings and desires – validating them – is enough. Mutual respect combines kindness, firmness, nurturing and boundary setting.



Discipline = Teaching

Consequence not Punishment

For children, a sense of belonging can result from feeling like an active participant in the family and a valued contributor to the household. Have your children make up the rules and consequences for their behavior.

Praise and Reward your children when appropriate. Help build their self-esteem by reward and praise only when earned. Children who are discouraged often don’t feel as they belong will seek the most valuable commodity, which is our time. For some children negative attention is better than no attention. 

Boundary Setting
1-2-3 Magic. (Thomas W. Phelan)

First we will discuss two types of behaviors we wish to address in our children.
Stop Behavior
Start Behavior

The “stop behaviors” are the things we want our children o stop “Victoria, stop hitting Lori”. These are addressed with counting.

As the children get older, we can replace the counting with:

1) Request
2) Consequence – if request is not met
3) Implementation of consequence

Example:
Harry, please put your toad away now.
Harry, if you do not put your toad away now – you will be in time-out for 12 minutes
Harry, you did not put your toad away now you are in time-out.

(Note: When Harry comes out of time-out, he must still put his toad away).

Remember, Time-out is one (1) minute for each year of the child and one (1) for the room. Example: a 7 year old child = 8 minutes of time-out.

The “Start behaviors” encourage positive behaviors with:
A. Rewards (your time)
B. Charts (get child involved)
C. Shaping (getting close)
D. Relax (Don’t over analyze – let some mistakes go)
E. Model


A. Rewards – children often tell me the most rewarding event in their life is an event that involves a parent. Go for a bike ride, go to the park and fly a kite.

 
B. Charts – Younger children love charts. Give them gold stars to put on charts for accomplishing certain tasks. Reward them if they get, say 7 out of 10 stars for the week.

 
C. Shaping – Begin by reinforcing behavior even if it is only somewhat close to the desired behavior, and then gradually reinforce only those behaviors that are closer to the desired behavior.

 
D. Relax – children are in development (aren’t we all?!) They are going to make mistakes. Let some mistakes go, this will encourage a safe environment for them to be honest with you.

 
E. Model – Children are like sponges, they learn so much from us. If you want them to read books, make sure they see you reading books!

A misbehaving child is still a Worthwhile Child.
It is important to separate the behavior from the child. It is ok to find a behavior unacceptable; it does not affect their self-worth. 

Act “As If”

Treat your child “as if” he or she were responsible. This will go a long way toward encouraging the child to behave in accordance with that expectation. Don’t do for a child what they can do for themselves. But remember not to let your expectations exceed your child’s capacities. Encourage them to make their own rules and decisions. Logical and realistic consequences are most effective over the long term. 

Beware of Questions you Ask

“Why did you do that” When was the last time you got an honest constructive answer? Try to make a statement with a request. I.e.: “Jared, you wrote on the wall; please clean it off now”. Ownership of the problem and solution is on the child. Even the difference between “Will you please be quiet?” and “Please be quiet” can elicit quite different responses in a child.

Dinner Time

Dinner time can be family time. Try to have dinner as a family at least 3 times week.

Have Fun!

Helpful Hints

• One parent at a time; whoever starts the consequence should finish it.
• Be consistent – particularly if you have an anxious or insecure child. Children find security in routine.
• Keep promises – Don’t tell your children you will do something unless you are sure you can commit.
• Voice control- don’t yell, at some point, the children will begin yelling back. If the children see the parents argue- let them also see you resolve the problem. Remember, how you deal with adversity is how your children are going to deal with adversity.

Despite all our challenges that we face – as parents- the most powerful tool we need, we already have inside of us…and that is LOVE.

CONSEQUENCES

Rather than threaten, you can establish realistic and actual consequences and make it (hopefully) more comfortable for children to choose the more responsible activity. The choice is still the child’s to make. The idea is to make them aware of the consequences of their choices. If children do not know what to expect if they did not complete a task, they do not really make a choice. The goal is to help children see themselves as responsible for and in control of themselves.

Discipline needs to be consistent yet low keyed and as a matter-of-fact as possible. It also needs to be tolerable to you as the parent. There is no one positive consequence or negative consequence that is meaningful and relevant to all children. 

One way to find realistic and meaningful consequences is to ask your children to help with the consequences.

RULES

In the home:

RULE 1:___________________________________________________
CONSEQUENCES:____________________________________________

RULE 2:___________________________________________________
CONSEQUENCES:____________________________________________

RULE 3:___________________________________________________
CONSEQUENCES:____________________________________________

GENTLE REMINDERS FOR PARENTING

 Don’t over protect or “bail your child out”. Let them experience the consequences of inappropriate behavior.

Don’t keep changing the rules. Be consistent and persistent- it pays off in the end.  

Encourage independence. On a regular basis, do not do for your child what your child is capable of doing for themselves.

Don’t rob them of the opportunity to engage in the process of problem solving, encourage the child’s efforts and lend assistance when asked.
8. Talk less – act more! Parents sometimes over-parent, over-direct, over-manage, over-explain, coax,  bribe, promise, cajole. Small wonder that children develop “parent deafness”.

If your child is an arguer, use the “broken record” approach – acknowledge their unhappiness with you at the moment by reflecting the feelings behind their words, then simply repeat your expectation without explanation.

Punishment is something we do to our children. Discipline is something we do for our children.